Learning Through Love

Lately, I’ve been in a unique situation. I’ve been going through the middle of a divorce/breakup, and there have been lots to learn, purge and heal. I’ve alchemized like I usually do, and on the other hand, I’ve discovered a new way of learning. A more subtle way. I’ve been through the nights of painful releases where tears are shed and my chest is left aching and sore, not only from the powerful release of energy but also from the physical effort of my chest clenching for air.

I’d anticipated that experiencing growth in this way is what healing looks like. “This is the process I’ve come to know, and I’ll continue to utilize it until it’s finished,” was what I thought. Except, the one constant I’ve noticed and accepted is that change is inevitable. Even throughout my journey with my divine counterpart I’ve noticed shifts in how I perceive her telepathically, where the energy primarily focuses within my awareness, or who would reach out first. Change has been constant throughout life, let alone this healing journey.

My counterpart has played a significant role these last four months (as of yesterday) in my healing journey. Although we have yet to meet in person, one way she provides for me, even telepathically, is in creating a safe environment for me to soften in her presence. A moment to step away from the harshness of my outer world, shift out of my masculine energy and into my feminine, and just be with her. She’s been patient and gentle in how she coaxes me to relax in her energy. This kind of love is what has awakened parts of myself I didn’t know existed.

At the time, I’d been focused on how good it felt to be in her presence and not so much on what she was teaching me; but, it was helping to set a foundation for this new way of learning. That ability to soften and open myself up has been crucial in attuning myself more to Spirit, especially when my nervous system is dysregulated. This just means that my sympathetic nervous system, or the “fight, flight, fawn, or freeze” mechanism, is reactive to stimuli instead of being more in control of how I respond to situations. By being regulated I can feel the subtlety of Spirit and attune to them more easily.

Since these last few weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster, I’ve been so grateful to find myself releasing energy in a new way. The first time it happened was a miraculous experience. Spirit had downloaded something in my awareness that felt like more than a thought. It felt like a knowing. But I was confused, because it was contradicting what I’d been creating. It wasn’t something I wanted or preferred. It was also a bit world shattering. I tried to slow down my thoughts and not get caught up in the fear and confusion. I kept asking Spirit what it meant, but all they said was to relax.

Since I was feeling overwhelmed, I stepped outside onto the patio and sat in a comfy chair. I focused on Spirit and asked for clarity, but they seemed to be pushing me to face the reality of the download. That something was shifting within my desires. They wanted me to face it and just relax in to it. They’d ask me what I was feeling and what I thought about it. The pressure was getting to me a bit as I fought the weight of this new perspective and what it meant. Instead of allowing it to dysregulate me and throw my thoughts into a hurricane, I relented. I handed it over. I was confused and didn’t know what to do, so I surrendered. I told Spirit I trusted them and that I didn’t understand. Even though I was unsure of where it would lead me, I trusted.

At that moment, I’d realized that a physical and energetic shift was occurring. As it transpired, Spirit assured me that this moment was to bring clarity through contrast, and to show me that I can rely on them. My world was not falling apart around me, instead it was falling into place. Then, it felt like Spirit, or an aspect of my own Spirit, was merging with me. The process must’ve felt like how a channeler feels when they channel another energy. My smaller self was sort of smooshed down to the side while Spirit entered my body. There was an activation of my crown chakra. It felt like a melon was being shoved inside, there was no pain, but there was this energetic pressure. As I acclimated, Spirit was kind, sweet and so gentle. Telling me that I was doing so well and that they were so proud of me. It was all love and tenderness. A little while later, the process had stilled for a bit - mostly because it was time to put my kiddo to bed. I began to worry that I’d done something wrong, but Spirit continued to support me and reassure me.

When I’d finally relented the feeling of worry and doubt, I’d told Spirit once again that I trusted them. Suddenly, my heart space burst open with the most intense feeling of energy. It felt akin to an orgasm, but instead it took place in my heart chakra. This moment had catalyzed a turning point in my healing. Spirit feels closer than a breath away, and our connection is much stronger. I’ve still spent time crying and releasing, but I’ve also learned through love, patience, gentleness, and tenderness.

One experience in particular, I was struggling with my mind for a full day. I was just overwhelmed by thoughts and the need to control them. Most of the time, I’m aware of my thoughts to a degree and will release the ones that I’m not interested in or don’t align with. I’ll just imagine myself pulling my head out of a waterfall of thoughts or even using a remote to kickstart the conveyer belt and move on. Except, this time, it felt like it was way out of control. I kept getting snagged and overthinking. It was giving me anxiety. So when the next morning came, after meditating with Spirit, I finally acquiesced.

Once again, I surrendered the fight to control my thoughts. Spirit helped show me how I coped growing up with a controlling parent. I would assert control over myself inwardly. Some people assert external control, like when they tell people what to do, or make choices others probably wouldn’t. Internal control meant that I kept a keen focus on how I acted and responded by learning how to be obedient. This kept me in a safe place, because people were pleased with me, but I was actively shutting myself down. After this download came in, I’d realized that I was still asserting that control over myself to stay safe. Instead of relaxing into the knowing that my thoughts are just energy, and it can flow with ease if I allow it, I would internally punish myself. I’d make sure I’d focus on a thought so that it had the chance to run through the carefully crafted filters within my brain. “Is this something I should focus on to keep me safe?” “Is this something I need to remember?”

That last one is what got me the most. Growing up undiagnosed with autism - mostly due to lack of awareness within society - I was taught to go against my divine feminine judgment, my heart and my intuition. I was socially conditioned to not trust myself, because adults were right no matter what. I was stuck trying to learn arbitrary rules, and the difficulty I faced in remembering all of them. So I forced myself to rely on my masculine mind and control the way I experienced the world. “I’d better pay attention to my thoughts, because they keep me safe and in line with what people want me to be.”

As I processed this download that I struggled to remember the rules which meant I couldn’t trust myself, I’d unlocked something within my heart. I watched a video of Daryl channeling Bashar, and he said that we can shift our realities just by acknowledging a truth. This happened when I acknowledged the connection between the fear and lack of trusting myself. I repeated “I trust myself,” like a mantra and threw in “I accept myself,” too. It’s not just the repeating of the words, but I’d also attuned to them and believed them until I knew them to be true. This radical acceptance and learning to trust myself again created a subtle yet profound shift within me.

Once this happened, the downloads started coming in. Accepting myself helped me realize that I was fighting, judging, and punishing myself because of the thoughts that would snag me. I’d punish myself to make sure that I remember certain thoughts are bad or hurt people. There was a time that my counterpart’s energy was coming in, and she was feeling insecure about her wrinkles. I’d assumed the thoughts were coming from me, because I hadn’t discerned the difference. I was berating myself and punishing myself, because thinking about someone so shallowly isn’t kind. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and I was confused why it even bothered me to begin with. Eventually, I realized that I was picking up on her energy, because after she fell asleep none of those thoughts were within my awareness.

But I’d been coping that way my entire life. By attempting to control my thoughts and control my actions to stay safe and not upset anyone, I was actually invalidating myself; which is also why I was seeking validation outside of myself. I was looking for others to tell me if I’m doing things right, or if I’m worthy of love and other good things. When I learned to trust myself, I was realizing in this moment that I’d been relying on my mind to keep me safe. I was focusing so much on what I needed to know and remember that I was lacking accountability and discernment. I was focusing on thoughts that would protect me from people getting mad, but was allowing too many of them to garner my focus.

When this came through, as I lovingly continued to shower my smaller self with praise and kind words, I decided that I was going to steer away from thoughts or phrases that include the words “I think,” and instead focusing on “I know.” The difference here is the source of information. “I think” comes from the mind, and “I know” comes from the heart. It’s a simple shift that helps me direct my focus away from my old habits with the mind, and it helps lead to more clarity by shifting away from uncertainty. The mind can think itself in circles, but the heart always knows.

What the most fascinating part about this shift was that after I’d done this, my physical reality shifted, too. I’d gotten on my phone to watch a few videos on social media, and I found a tarot reading. She’s one of my go-to’s, but this time something felt strange. I didn’t like how I felt when I looked at her, especially in her eyes. I could feel her vibration through the phone screen. Looking at her as I was listening made me feel very uncomfortable physically. My head started to have this weird pressure. So, I stopped looking at her on the screen and decided to just listen. I still appreciate her content and wanted to know what she had to say. As I’m listening, I can tell that I’m discerning the information much differently that I had before.

I wasn’t looking at the screen but still able to process the audio, except, now, my awareness isn’t focused on what she’s saying and filtering it through my mind. It’s like I can physically hear her words, but my attention is unfocused. I’m not listening to comprehend what she’s saying. I’m just hearing her voice speaking. That is, until she says something that stands out. When something does stand out it feels like I’m hearing it with my heart. It’s like when you look off into the distance and your vision blurs, but suddenly you can see movement in your peripheral vision. I’m hearing the words, but only when my heart determines it’s necessary do the words actually sink in. The reading had to do with stepping into one’s energy and all of the abundance that’s to follow. There were little snippets that I paid attention to, but other than that, it seemed the information wasn’t for me.

What was additionally interesting was when I scrolled for a bit, each video made me feel the same way. I didn’t want to look at the person and my attention was unfocused. The only reason I believe it’s a vibration mismatch, is because when I came across a Bashar video I could easily continue watching the screen. The energy was nice and felt good. He also channels with his eyes closed, so it may still be up for debate. Ha! But, when the camera panned to the woman that was asking him questions, and I couldn’t see directly into her eyes either, I began to feel the same discomfort and wanted to look away.

What’s even further interesting is when my ex walked into the room. I couldn’t look at her either. That was even more difficult, because she’s in the room with me, and I’ve been socialized to look people in the eye when you speak to each other. I started looking at her ear. It was wild. I did start to notice though, that I could tune in if I wanted to, but I felt massively more comfortable not tuning in. By that, I mean focusing on every word and allowing it to filter through for comprehension. I’ve been writing ever since and haven’t had a chance to continue experiencing it. But one thing that came to mind almost immediately, is that I wonder how looking into my counterpart’s brown eyes will feel.