Abandoning Perfectionism.
A concept I’ve become aware of due to the nature of an alchemizing journey is the pitfall of perfectionism. I find myself constantly searching for the next thing to heal. It’s like a Where’s Waldo level of competition that I have with myself. I know there’s something just around the corner, I’ll think expectedly. But the truth is, we do continue to grow and learn new ways of doing things all the time. Ever changing. Lately, however, I’ve realized that as I get closer to meeting my divine counterpart, I’ve been in this energy of perfectionism.
The other day, I’d read about perfectionism, and the first thing that popped in my head was about how my counterpart is a recovering perfectionist. She’d even come out of a channeled state, because a crooked picture caught her attention and she felt compelled to fix it. Except, I know that when something catches my attention it isn’t there for me to discern something about someone else. It’s specifically there for me to garner something about myself. Additionally, divine counterparts are mirror reflections of each other and we share similar journeys. So when I remembered that, I realized that I too must have something to learn here.
So, I turned inward and asked myself how perfectionism applied to me. I thought about the book I was reading. The author discusses her struggles with resentment that stem from her need to be perfect, and she lists things that usually demand her best effort in order to be deemed complete. These primarily included projects that she would spend too much time and energy on in order to satisfy her own standards and expectations. When I looked at myself, I reflected on my past works, mostly college papers and projects, projects I performed while serving in the military, and work I performed as a civilian, but I couldn’t see any serious signs of perfectionism.
If there’s one thing I understand, it’s that C’s get degrees and I’m always putting my best effort towards the work I put out. So, when the perfectionism arose I was confused. Then, I looked at myself as a divine feminine. I tout on being this internal person that focuses on my internal world, and that’s when it hits me. I may not show it externally, but I am definitely a perfectionist when it comes to how I see myself and my internal journey. I’m constantly trying to perfect myself, because that’s what you’d expect from someone who’s trying to master themselves.
Except, I’m not doing it for the purpose of mastery. I’m doing it to prove something to myself, or simply because I still believe a story that’s been written over my life. When I was younger, and still today, it was a common saying for an adult to tell a child “what’s wrong with you?” This saying that’s meant to question someone’s motives or even just teasing someone for being foolish, dumb, or excessive. This saying has been something that I told myself I’d never say to my child, because I have carried it with me all my life. This constant questioning of what is wrong with me? So much so, that I haven’t stopped healing. I haven’t stopped and looked at myself as a work of art that’s constantly evolving. Instead, I look at myself as some project, the guides are winking at me with that word in particular, that constantly must be poked and prodded until the finished version is perfect.
But, “perfect” is subjective. I look at other people and can see the perfection that is their makeup, but then I look at myself and the standard shifts. The perfect version of myself, I imagine, is that I’m completely healed, never make mistakes or revert, and am finally deserving and prepared to meet my counterpart. I’m realizing now, though, how unrealistic that is and not at all how I see my divine masculine counterpart. She is perfect even in her imperfection. So, why can’t I look at myself that way? Why is the standard so high? Trauma, mostly, but I also believe it’s because we want to be the best version of ourselves. We want people to see us for who we really are.
That’s it for me, at least. As a divine feminine, I’ve always lived inwardly. I used to align with being called shy or introverted, except I love being around people. Instead, I’m realizing that those were just the words people used to describe me, because I wasn’t like everyone else. I was quiet because I was operating more so from within. I was observing silently and learning all the while. After being told my whole life I needed to be different, I listened and abandoned myself for what other people expected me to be. That’s been the entirety of most of my healing journey: discovering who I am without all the expectations from others.
People couldn’t see me for who I was, so I changed myself to give them something to see. They couldn’t perceive me with the level of understanding they operated in, so I changed because I thought there was something wrong with how I expressed myself in this world. Many other people my age with autism that weren’t diagnosed as children also struggled with the incongruence of what society expected of them, so they masked themselves to survive. I struggle with perfectionism, because I abandoned my own inner concept of myself and took on other people’s perceptions of me; but, now that I’m here and learning that the people who are meant to see me will, it’s time to let go of this idea of perfectionism. It’s time to let go of trying to control how people see me, because some aren’t meant to experience me the way they expect.
Lately, I’ve also been receiving the idea of letting go of control, because we don’t have any anyways. All we have is the anxiety as we attempt to hold onto some sense of control. This has been pretty monumental for me, because the control issues are what started my healing journey to begin with. Coming full circle. (Which is actually a synchronicity for me that I’ve been getting from tarot readings on social media. Yes, tarot readings can be helpful if we take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. Always trust your own intuition.) As I’ve let go of that perceived control, and move more towards flow, I find life to be so much more at ease. It’s reminiscent of my childhood before I began to take on other people’s BS (belief system - thank you, Suzanne Giesemann).
The ease is what I desire most. As I let go of control, my life feels like a dream - something to be experienced and not forced. That part of me still rises up to try to control how people see me, but as I become more aware I can pull myself back into the now moment until there’s no need to leave it. Perfection isn’t the goal. Healing takes place so that we can live more at ease and at peace. So that our traumas don’t dictate our lives, but we choose how to live instead. Be gentle with yourself today, please. You’re already perfect.